Voodoo Doughnuts : Youdo Deeznuts

Posted in Restaurant Reviews on December 9, 2010 by MadMoikey

Voodoo Doughnut.  You’ve all heard of it, and a million and a half people have written about it, so why am I bothering to even mention it?  It doesn’t need my help to sustain its popularity.  Every food show that comes to Portland inevitably goes there and tried to be more clever than the previous one.  It’s featured on TV all of the time as some sort of symbol for Northwest food.  Forget our cheese, our meat, our produce, our mushrooms, our fish, cuz we got maple bars with BACON on them. 

The bacon maple bar is mankind’s greatest achievement.  Sure we went to the moon, we have cured diseases, and we have iphones, but seriosly, all that can fuck off so long as I can have my bacon maple bar.  Some people don’t understand it, they hear the words bacon and donut together and they are scared, and they should be.  There are few better ways to ingest so many unhealthy calories in one sitting. 

Voodoo Doughnut also spells Doughnut properly.  It’s not spelled Donut.  Donut is simply phonetic spelling that took over because our country’s average intelligence is that of a third grader.  Plus, you can mispronounce Doughnut into Duffnut.  Which makes it better. 

Back to why I’m writing about Voodoo Doughnut.  If you haven’t eaten there and you live in Portland, you are a bell-end.  And the only cure for bell-endedness, is a bacon maple bar.  So go eat one you nitwits.

Voodoo Doughnut on Urbanspoon

Corporate Black Ops : SPOILER ALERT – Douchebaggery Ensues

Posted in Food Trends on December 2, 2010 by MadMoikey

Read this the other day and had to comment.

So Greenpeace is sueing some chemical and PR firms for unlawful spying.  Yeah, Dow Chemical Company and Sasol North America basically hired a security firm run be ex-secret-service agents to infiltrate Greenpeace and uncover their secrets in an attempt to thwart their anti-genetically-engineered foods campaigns. 

Greenpeace uncovered the evil plot and discover that these undercover spies has worked their way high into the upper echelons of Greenpeace and either gained or stole access to some of Greenpeace’s most coveted secret. 

Now, I didn’t know that Greenpeace had top secret documents and nuclear launch codes, but apparently they do.  Bottom line, these guys appropriated passwords and keycards to gain access to vaults and safes to steal information.  Who the fuck are these guys? 

This kind of crap normally only happens in movies and books.  It does not work in real life because someone will get wind of it and sue your ass.  Greenpeace is fighting back by sueing the pants off every company even mildly involved with these shenanigans.  And rightfully so, since what they were stealing included strategy memos, campaign plans, donor lists, and documents that included credit card information and the social security numbers of Greenpeace employees.

So way to go idiots.  Corporations are not a bad thing, but they get a bad rap from this kind of twoddle.  Thanks to all you dickbags who thought you were Ethan Hunt and tried to execute some Mission Impossible style nonsense, only to get caught ten years later and sued, therefore costing the wealth and security of your victims, your own employees, and honest taxpayers who have to pay for all this crap to go through court.  YOU ARE DUMB.  You should have just allowed Greenpeace to protest your chemicals and then stop putting them in food, and use you chemicals for better causes like outer space propulsion.  Dumbasses.

The MANwich.

Posted in Recipes on December 2, 2010 by MadMoikey

Soup and salad is a bitchin combination.  So after you’re done making MAN Soup, accompany it with this bad mother fucker.  It’s so bad that Samuel L. Jackson had to get it sewn onto his wallet. 

Obviously, a gratuitous amount of meat is involved.  So start with a pork loin.  Butterfly that bitch open and pound it a bit.  If you use a meat mallet, you’re a whelp.  Pound it with your fist like a MAN.  Next, do the same thing to a beef tenderloin. 

Next, take some grated cheddar cheese and lay it on the beef tenderloin, close it up and then put it on the pork loin, then close that up.  Next, tie the whole thing up by wrapping it in caul fat.  Then solidify your wrap job by wrapping it in bacon. 

Now cook that beast until it’s done.  But while it’s cooking, get your man on some more by baking some bread.  Don’t ask for specifics on this part, just bake some friggin bread.  The only requirement is that the bread should have loads and loads of cheddar in it.  Next, slather your bread with bacon fat and mayonnaise. 

Now you need the healthy part… vegetables….

Get a pot.

Put butter and Mountain Dew in the pot.  Reduce it to a syrup.  Now get a pan, add some of your syrup, and saute some lettuce and tomato slices in it.

Now slice your meat log into burger patty size pieces.  Get your bread, add the vegetables, and two slices of meat log.  Wash it down with 86oz. of Guinness Draught. 

If you have a heart attack you are a bitch.  If you survive, you are a MAN.  Congratulations.

Oh Castagna

Posted in Restaurant Reviews on December 2, 2010 by MadMoikey

Obviously, if you live in Portland and have any worth then you at least want to eat at Oregonian’s Restaurant of the Year.  If you don’t, then stop reading this post right now and go slap yourself. 

Why is Castagna Restaurant of the Year?  Simple.  It is a genuinely new and exciting dining experience.  It’s not in the decor or the ambience.  The dining room is subtle and totally unpretentious, so don’t expect to be wowed by Cistine Chapel artwork or “modern” color blocks and dim lights all overthe place, because you won’t get it.  It’s all about the food. 

What Chef Matthew Lightner and his brigade are doing is something that until now you would only see on TV.  He was Ferran Adria’s sous chef at El Bulli in Spain.  So basically he knows how to deconstruct and reconstruct ingredients and make them look like masterful artwork. 

Every plate is meticulously designed so that every ingredient pairs and intereacts with each other, creating an orgasm of flavor in each bite.   It’s like Aphrodite, Calypso, and Helen of Troy having a threesome on your tongue.  Yeah that’s right, it’s AWESOME.

Of course you do pay for the quality, a four course flight is now $65 a head, and then you add on wine and gratuity.  But it’s worth it, and the cooks in that kitchen work the god damn balls off, even the chicks.  And the food is utterly spectacular.

As you may be able to tell each plate is pieced together with tweezers and spectacles so that it is perfect.  What’s also astonishing is how herbs are used.  There’s no chopped chives here, instead you get whole leaves of beautiful and exotic plants that add exquisite levels of flavor. 

If you’re in the mood for something more mellow, hit up Cafe Castagna next door and stuff your face with one of Portland’s best burgers that are made from scratch and sit happily in a housemade brioche bun… fuck yeah.

So basically, if you want your head to explode from something tasting so unique and amazing, go eat at Castagna.  But again, who the fuck am I? 

Get off your lazy ass and go eat there right now.

Castagna on Urbanspoon


Posted in Food Trends on November 17, 2010 by MadMoikey

I read this article today and was shocked to discover that “Portland is cracking down on food carts.”  Apparently some idiot from KATU News who may quite possibly go by the name of Dan Tilkin decided to run a series of stories about food carts having an unfair advantage over “Brick and mortar” restaurants.  Since then the city has launched several investigations into the legitimacy of food carts, and more specifically ones that have awnings and decks and whether correct permits are in place. 

What’s chiefly annoying about this is that Portland is a haven for food carts, we’re well known for them.  The communities that food carts encourage and produce are astounding, it’s an entire subculture of people who just LOVE food and love to be able to afford it.  But in true Portland burocracy style, they’re fucking up the program. 

So, first things first.  I shall now address the nation with a very important message:


Don’t agree?  Go watch this piece of shit.

Obviously, Dan Tilkin is a communist because he does not support startup businesses and people trying to earn a living.  This is AMERICA.  If we want to open a cart that sells fucking awesome food and sell it for cheap because our overhead is low, we’ll do it.  It’s a true exhibition of cowardice when someone complains that carts have an unfair advantage over restaurants. 

It’s called evolution you idiots.  Ten years ago there was little option for good food, you had to pay a lot for it.  Now there’s competition.  Carts serve up really good slop for peanuts and some of these spineless restaurateurs winge about it and instead of exercising their creative business brains, cry like bitches to the city for a solution.  Ross Caron, another dunce featured in this appalling video, stated that these structures could be unsafe for the public.  Apparently, regardless of structural integrity, awnings may blow away due to the excessive gail force winds we commonly have in Portland without protection from these magical permits…

KATU is obviously on the Huber’s payroll for allowing this slanderous nonsense on TV.

It’s also apples and oranges you dimwits.  Food carts sell food, and they might have an illegal awning to keep you out of the rain but you’ll still freeze your nuts off this time of year.  Restaurants are enclosed, impervious to the elements.  They have people who personally serve you, they have alcohol available and all manner of beverages, and usually complimentary bread.  So who has the advantage? 

When you go to a restaurant you go for the experience, not just the food, which is what you go to a cart for.  Clearly Dan Tilkin doesn’t realize that they are two entirely different business models and therefore should never be compared in this fashion.  Apparently he enjoys attacking small businesses at the same moment that we start to claw our way out of a recession.  GENIUS…  For being such a genius, Dan Tilkin has gracefully earned a nod for the 2011 Golden Douchebag awards, so look forward to that next November. 

As for Portland, I pose one question.  Why in The Hunt for the Blue Fucktober are we wasting money, labor, time, and energy “cracking down” on food cart permits when we could be doing something far more constructive like taking a shit? 

Wake up Portland.  The restaurants are not in trouble because of food carts.  If anything it encourages eating out more, which is great for business owners.  If you own a restaurant and are a coward because you have a fear of these carts, go open one yourself for the same price as one month of operating costs at your existing joint.  Let us not forget that several “Brick and Mortar” Restaurants (I hate that phrase) in Portland started as food carts. 

Seriously KATU, Portland, Dan Tilkin, Ross Caron, fuck off with your idiocy.

“Rustic” or “Fucking Lazy?”

Posted in Food Trends on November 16, 2010 by MadMoikey

As I dive deeper into the abyss of culinary experience, I encounter more and more people attempting this “rustic” thing.  From both working and eating at different places around town, I see this god damned rustic crap everywhere.  I see salads that are tossed and slopped on a plate with no attention paid to appearance, though they do taste delicious, they look like shit.  I’ve seen garnishes like micro greens sprinkled all over a plate so they land on the rim, the food, and the negative space higgledy-piggledy.  The last time I saw such an assortment was at Normandy Beach June 6th, 1945.

See, look at this fucking salad.  I’m sure it tastes like Heaven Pie with a sprinkle of ecstacy, and it’s not terrible to look at.  It’s colorful, the ingredients are well incorporated, and it looks like a hefty portion, good money value. 

However, compare it to this one:

See, very pretty.  It’s “Composed.”  It looks very nice, and delicious, and I would love to fuck that up with my fork and shovel it in my mouth.  Now, obviously there are restaurants you go to and don’t go to for fancy looking food.  You wouldn’t go to Shari’s and expect a composed salad with bright and colorful seasonal ingredients.  I’m not talking about those places, I’m talking about restaurants that charge an arm and a leg and then bring you something that looks like it could be served at Shari’s and shield it under the guise of “rustic.”  Is it trendy?  Is it hip?  Is it a throwback to food we ate as kids but rehashed with ingredients of stunning quality and flavor?  No, it’s just fucking lazy. 

Food is not just pleasing the palette.  First, you’re eyes have a feast of candy, then your nose gets an orgasm, and only THEN does your mouth get to enjoy it.  So by dicking with the look, you’re dicking with the whole experience.  Would you serve an impeccably made steak and fries that happened to smell like fermented dog shit wrapped in a mumified corpse and call it “Rustic?” 

Not to mention the fact that if someone has spent a noticeable amount of time just making your food look nice then they have more than likely spent ten times longer in actually preparing it.  Immaculate presentation means imaculate attention to detail.  It means your steak will be cooked how you want it, it means the pasta will be al dente, and it means you will not recieve salmonella or vibrio gastroenteritis. 

Fuck off with your rustic…

Blogtastic Bloggetry

Posted in Food Trends on November 11, 2010 by MadMoikey

It’s been a wild weekend.  At the Golden Douche afterparty I punched several people in the face and was banned from the event for foul language.  However, during my 3-day hangover from the monstrous soiree I spent a lot of time reading the internet.  Lots of fascinating and exillerating topics lay about like chicks in bikinis sunning on the beach, waiting for someone to take a good look.  Being an instense lobbyist for deep fried cheddar hot dogs wrapped in bacon I was allured by this blog cleverly titled ExtraMSG

This guy apparently just finished rating the top 25 burgers in Portland, so I was greeted by a big ass picture of a juicy melty slimy and ultimately delicious looking burger.

I would put that in my mouth.  The best part is there’s 24 more of these burgers ExtraMSG reviewed recently.  So you could spend a good ten minutes oogling over some awesome food porn.  Yeah that’s right, turn out the lights, lock the door and turn the volume down for this shit.

Upon further perusal and eventually in-depth analysis I discoverd even more amazing looking food that warranted an intense period of self destructive yet curiously satisfying eating habits.  This is a food blog based in Portland like many others, but what separates it is the style of writing, which can be biting, sarcastic and humorous.  The look of the page is decent too, dark colors, narrow centered articles, rather like this page.  Obviously since this blog has been around a lot longer than mine, they copied me and will burn in hell. 

What’s annoying however is that this person has a job that everybody wants.  Who the fuck wouldn’t want to gallavant around a food mecca and get paid to talk about food they’ve eaten?  If you deny this urge then you are a serial liar and your spouse will divorce you eventually because of it. 

I’m sure this jealousy is mutual since I possess inadmissable manliness. 

At the end of the day, Extra MSG is a great blog to check out if you’re in Portland (Oregon [The good Portland]) and aren’t sure where to eat.  This site will give an honest opinion on a joint and their food.  ExtraMSG also has a tip sheet to check out, which lists a “top 3” in several categories.  If you’re in the mood for BBQ, they suggest their favorite 3, and for Chinese, Burgers, Seafood, etc. 

The title also dictates that this is someone after my own heart.  They obviously share in my ability and desire to ingest copious amounts of chemicals and reagents that lesser humans would consider dangerous or a lead to cancer. 

But again, who am I?  Go fuckin read the blog yourself and stop being so lazy.  Seriously…